Some Decisions are Easy...

I wasn't sure about this trip to Kansas for two reasons: My work & my kid.

I am so, so, so, so , so glad I came. I feel so amazing being here. I am waiting on my Grandma hand & foot but it is the most rewarding thing I've ever done. I made her beef stew today & we watched Andy Griffith & lots of Game Shows.

And my boss doesn't even realize that I'm out of the office. If it comes up I will tell him but I am responding to all of my messages very quickly so I'm not even missing a beat.

Tloday she told me that I mad her day by coming. I told her that I hope I made her week. I'm also able to give all my amazing aunts, uncle & cousins a schedule reliever because they've done shifts over here around the clock.

My Grandma really needs me. Especially the second I sit down she totally needs something. She needs a Kleenex. Or her chapstick. Or a refill on her water. Or her cell phone plugged in. My Aunt was over today & she said, very accurately, that "She'll keep you hopping."

Here are a couple of things about my Grandma. One is like me the other is so not:

My Grandma is a person that rarely sits still. She's always staightening something up or picking something up or putting something away or moving or arranging. Whatever. Even if she's watching tv she's working on a crossword. This new situation is very different for her. She has to sit still but she orders me to do everything she would do if she could. I love it.

I love it because it's so not me. I can just veg out completely. Not do anything. Even when it looks like I'm watching tv I'm often not. I am just vegging out. I'm actually completely lost in my thoughts which is different than just playing white noise in your head, but I can sit mostly still & do nothing. My foot is usually moving though so I'm not completely still.

What is me is the talking to myself. My Grandma totally talks to herself. She jabbers away like she's having a conversation. Today I was in the living room reading on the couch & I heard her quietly begin her chat. She got louder & louder just babbling about everything. Then she said to herself, "Well, I need it but I just can't reach it, it's too far away." That was the first time what she was saying concerned me so I asked her "What do you need, Grandma?"

It was her chapstick & she couldn't reach it. So I got up & got it. We made no mention of my eavesdropping on her conversation.

I used to tease her about it when I was younger. But looking back some of my favorite memories are listening to her chat in the next room while she was making the bed, cooking or doing the laundry.

It's the same thing I do now. I jabber away in my head but sometimes it spills over & I say things out loud. My hubby asks "What did you say?" & I tell him I was just talking to myself. He understands. He knows it is just like my Grandma. And the older I get the more I do it.

I'm a lot like my Grandma. And I love, love, love the fucking turtles.

I miss my boys but I am so glad I'm here.

Have a wonderful night!

Happy Tuesday...

So, the weekend was fun. Totally fun. Had a great time at the Beer & Wine Festival, had fun with my hubby, had a great visit with great friends & enjoyed the cool & rainy Sunday.

I have work stuff scheduled next week. Yeh! It's not really picking up but at least it's happening. Whew.

It's such an odd thing that I have a bi-polar job when I tend to almost be a type of bi-polar person. My job is up, it's down & back & forth. Matches my moods I suppose. My boss is kind of the same way so we're likely in the correct careers.

Yesterday I went shopping & got two new purses, a wallet & a candle. I love how the discount stores have such a random array of things. Like TJ Maxx has everything I could need ~ I could have come out with shoes, clothes, Le Creuset & Halloween Decorations. I love it! I didn't get a cart, however, so as soon as my hands & arms were full I checked out. Me happy. Until the credit card bill comes & then me guilty. Oh well, I haven't done any other shopping recently so I shouldn't be in too much trouble.

I have just been in a purse mood. Ever since I went to Reno & found a gorgeous salmon pink purse that I should have bought at Dillard's. It was on sale & I'm kinda glad now that I didn't get it because yesterday I got two quality bags for just a wee bit over the sale price of the Reno one.

My house was cleaned on Friday so that really makes me happy. I love it when it's clean! I wish I was better at keeping it that way.

And tomorrow I leave for Wichita to spend a week with my Grandma. I'll likely blog from there. I'm so truly looking forward to this time with her but I am seriously freaking out about leaving my boys for so long.

I have been away from the kid for 8 days but I was on vacation with my hubby so I wasn't without either of them. It's going to be so odd. And I'm going to miss my dog & kitty, too. But I wouldn't trade this opportunity for anything & I'm just so thrilled I'm able to do it.

Have a wonderful day & I'll write soon.

Probably tonight while I'm having cocktails & procrastinating packing, actually!

Looking Forward to Forward...

A few things can really change my attitude. Big, small, whatever ~ sometimes it just takes a little bit of motion to get me moving.

My house is getting cleaned tomorrow. I'm ok at cleaning it but it's so hard for me to keep it picked up & clean that it can really get away from me. It's gotten away from me lately.

It's so funny because it seems like the more free time I have, the less I get accomplished. If I'm on a limited amount of time schedule then I jam things in. But if I have lots of time I am just a total bum. Very interesting.

Tomorrow is house cleaning day. So today is my pick-up the house day. It will feel good to have the guest bed cleaned off. It's my clean clothes staging area.

My brother & niece are in town so my folks will have my son stay the night both Friday & Saturday nights. It's gives the hubby & I a lot of quality time together & he loves it. My parents treat the kids like the world revolves around them because over there, it does.

And then the Redding Beer & Wine Festival is this weekend. I love that. My brother is going with us & we're meeting friends there. Then they will probably all come over here for cocktails after. I love this time of year. It's so perfect to sit on our back patio & drink & talk & laugh.

But the pseudo-party = need a clean house. That's how I negotiated it with the hubby.

Even some work stuff is going on. Just wrapping up old things but at least the phone is ringing. The eery silence has been freaking me out.

And then next week I'm going to Kansas to spend a week with my Grandma. I am really looking forward to that.

So, I hope you all are having a fantastic day. Mine is productive. At least I intend it to be.

But...wonder what's on the Travel Channel?! Is that Twilight on HBO?

Seasons Changing Still...

I don't mean to be a downer these days but it seems it's not uncommon this time of year so I'll just go with it.

I just read an interesting article on Yahoo about the fact that Fall can bring unease because it's the end of carefree summer & back to a more rigorous routine.

Fall is actually my favorite season so I don't think it's to do with the time of year for me but the change that's happening ~ that's always happening.

My friend wrote something very poignant on Facebook the other day. It almost brought me to tears because I understood it so well:

"Woke up and asked the air around his head, "when is normal?" Then, I realized that I was in the new normal...and I wept for a moment for old normals passing."

His life change was significant ~ his father had just passed away. I think of him often & hope he eventually finds peace with his new normal.

My changes are minor but still significant to me.

My son's in kindergarten. My job is incredibly slow. My hormones are just out of whack & I'm not feeling right. My Grandmother is in tenuous health for the first time in my life.

My childbearing choices are causing me grief. And I have never, ever questioned my decisions in the past so this is very uncharted territory for me to experience.

My only child decision is one I will ultimately be fine with. We are able to give our son the best of everything & he gets to experience more than most children do. He also has my niece, 18 months younger than he is, & they are almost as close as siblings & spend a great deal of time together. And he gets such valuable time with my parents that he might not get if he had a sibling.

It's me being selfish & wanting another child. The hubby & the kid do not. And without them on board it would make it even more challenging. I'd rather be pissed at my hubby for not wanting more than have him quietly resent me for having another. I'm used to being pissed at him a lot of the time anyway. He's used to it to ~ no big deal.

I'm trying not to drink very much these days, which is also quite new to me. And no meds. wtf?

I am having such an uneasy grasp on my moods & general uneasiness that adding very much of any kind of substances is making the slippery slope even slipperier (let's see what spell check has to say about that :)

All in all my life is great so I really don't know why I can't snap out of this. I need to count my blessings & try to get some perspective:

My child is healthy & happy & remarkably well adjusted in spite of having me as his mother.

My marriage is peaceful & happy although the hubby is getting annoyed with my case of the blahs. He's out of town all this week so we are missing each other right now & that will help with the weekend. We have a fun Saturday planned without the kiddo & then will be golfing on Sunday. Quality time is so good for us.

My Grandmother is doing better & expected to leave the rehab hospital in the next week or so & then I'll be staying with her for 6 days as soon as she gets out. I am really looking forward to that quality time with her & helping her in any way I can. I also appreciate that today she turns 87 years old & that she has been a remarkable Grandma to me my entire life.

My parents are healthy & happy & I am fortunate enough to be blessed with many very wonderful friends.

My bills are paid & I'm employed.

I guess I'm doing ok. I need to keep remembering that.

Have a great day!

Decisions, Decisions...

Some choices we make we wonder about forever. Like whether or not to have more children or not to have more children, as my example. And I know if I had decided to have more I would not have ever regretted it but since I chose just one, I will be haunted about it forever.

Some people likely feel the same way about lost loves. The "what might have been" aspect. I never feel that way about that choice. I could never have found a partner more suited to me.

But the children part I always wonder about. I always will.

Boy World...

I find myself in Boy World quite a bit. It's funny because that just seems to be where I tend to wander.

My household is all boys. My kid, my dog, my cat & my hubby.

My job is mostly with boys. I'm usually the only girl in the room or on the job site. At least 90% of the time.

And then at the poker table, it's very common for me to be the only girl. At least 90% of the time.

I like the insight into boy world. I find that boys are mean. But at least they're mean to the face. They're quick to tell each other how fat they're getting or anything mean that pops into their minds. We girls say these things but we almost always do it behind each others' backs.

Playing poker on Friday night I saw a couple of really funny things. The party host & birthday boy was asked several times from several different people if he was going to watch football on Sunday. Each time he replied that he didn't know. Although there were a lot of funny follow-up questions, the best was as follows:

"Oh, do have a lot of crocheting to catch up on?"

And then the same fellow, one of the funniest guys I have EVER met, said the funniest thing at the table.

Birthday boy caught his card on the river & caused funny guy to lose a big pot. When the card came funny guy said, deadpan, "Nice shot, fluffy."

I'm using that line at the table.

There were actually three girls out of nine players & the final two of us were both girls heads-up. I lost going all in with a suited queen king & she had pocket aces. She'd had pocket kings the hand before. wtf? It was a really fun game & I loved how I played.

Anyway, the two other girls were talking about some jewelry party that was happening the following week. The hostess is one of my best friends & the other girl asked if I was coming. I said I had told her to please stop inviting me to that crap because I wouldn't ever come & it looked like she had. Thank goodness.

It was just like the time that this very best friend of mine was sewing curtains & her sewing machine broke & she called me to ask if I had a sewing machine she could borrow.

My reply was, "You're fucking kidding me, right?"

Now I love my friends. Especially the girly, crafty ones because they are so different from me & I truly appreciate those differences. But I'll always be the girl playing golf with the boys & playing poker with the boys while the wives are at the spa.

I love boy world.

But my hubby still has to kill the bugs.

Have a fabulous day!

Seasons Change...

It's fall. At least it feels like fall. At night anyway.

Shit's been going down. And it makes me feel my mortality. My vitality. My strengths & my fears.

My grandmother fell down & broke her hip. Or she broke her hip & fell down as our surgeon friend told us was more likely. He said most elderly people actually react & snap their hip & then fall down. They don't actually fall down & then snap their hip. Interesting bit of trivia, I suppose.

My Grandmother & I are close. Really close. I talk to her several times a week if not more. If something pops into my mind I call her & she's there & we talk. We chat all the time. And when I visit her we are even closer in person.

She's the only Grandma I've ever had. My Mom's Mom died when she was 6. And my Great Grandmother who raised my Mom died when I was 4. I remember her though. She used to watch General Hospital & the villain's name on that "story", as she called it, was named Lisa. She was so mad my Mom named me Lisa that she called me Litha. She gave me a beautiful locket that I treasure to this day. And my Mom says she still feels her presence. Especially if she's doing something of which my Great Grandmother would have not approved.

It's been odd this last week, not having my Grandma to call. I called her at the hospital but it wasn't the same. She wasn't the same. Her voice was flat. I've been near tears all week. Shed them a few times.

I'm going back as soon as she gets out of the rehab hospital in a week or two to spend time with her. Today she was worried about how she would feed me while she was laid up. It's my turn to proudly feed her. To help her. To treasure her. To love her.

And I do. I always have & always will. She's actually one of my very best friends. And here's just one example of why we're so close ~ so alike:

When I was in my late teens or early twenties, she told me to go through her jewelry box to see if there was anything I liked. I squealed with delight as I found a small gold turtle pin. I said "it's two turtles..." big pause as I examined them. "And they're making love."

My Grandma laughed & said "I call those my 'Fucking Turtles'."

The next year, for my birthday she gave me those turtles & a matching set of earrings. I love all four of them!

I look forward to another decade or so of my Grandma's companionship. Of her counsel & her ear. I hope she's here at least that long. But I know she'll always be in my heart & on my mind. And I'll always feel her presence. In fact I've told her she's always welcome to stop by, anytime she'd like. Now or in the future ~ wherever she may be.

Have a great night & cherish your loved ones ~ Lisa

Mugshots As Teaching Tools...

I recently posted a link to reddingblog.com/mugshots as my Facebook status & it's gotten a lot of attention. One of my friends mentioned that she would like to find a way to use it as discipline for her children & I had to comment, but not on Facebook.

I did use the mugshots as a form of "discipline" for the kiddo one time. He was mad at me about something I was making him do & he angrily told me "I want a new Mommy."

It seriously hurt my feelings but after I thought about it for a while I brought him into my office, sat him down & showed him the Mommies that were available because they lost their kids.

He didn't find any of them appealing so he'll likely never say that to me again. It's sort of a joke now when I ask him if he wants a new Mommy he says no way.

My Mom says we all find our own way to parent. She was not a fan of my tactic but I thought it was amusing & effective.

Have a great day!