Sexy Dreams...

I've been all serious lately & want to take it back to what I consider a fun topic. But I still seriously need to vent about it.

The things that go on in my head sometimes just need to be let out. And this might be tmi but I'm gonna blog all about it anyway...

I tend to be an insomniac. A lot of it is self-imposed because I just don't want to go to bed but often I'll try & just cannot sleep. I usually get up & blog, mess around on facebook or even play poker online. I actually don't usually watch tv.

Anyway, I went to bed after blogging on Tuesday night. I had already been to bed once, if you know what I mean, & gotten back up after that was all through. And it was fun. And it was pretty good & even wild for a Tuesday night which is where I'm going with the point of my story.

I finally go to bed at 3am & lay there for 30 minutes listening to my hubby having a sexy dream. He's laughing & moaning & groaning but he never really talks.

I was actually torn between being totally amused & being quite jealous. I listened, ready to pounce on him if he said anyones name. I was so gonna bust him if he did. But then I thought I was being totally unreasonable because it's not his fault if he dreams about someone else. But that being said, I still knew I was going to be furious if he did say someones name other than mine.

Totally silly post but I had to share. Thanks for laughing with/at me.

The Women's Fund...

I don't typically discuss politics. And I'm not going to do that now either because I think that women's issues are not about politics. Women's issues are just that ~ women's issues.

Say women's choices, however, & it makes it sound like politics. I'll stick to issues.

I went to a Women's Fund Forum today where the chosen topic was Teen Pregnancy. It was actually the topic that I had suggested so I was pleased that they had included all types of health care & education providers.

However, they only had speakers that were offering either statistics regarding teen births in Shasta County or Cal-Safe, which is basically Mary Street School for teen moms. Their agenda was to propel girls toward having & keeping their babies & continuing their education.

That's an excellent choice if that's a woman's decision, but that was really the only "choice" presented.

My problems with this forum were several:

The health care providers that attended were relegated to the rear of the room & not the podium & were never really given a chance to speak.

There was an inherent uncomfortableness in the room the two times the word abortion & emergency contraception were mentioned.

There was also that same discomfort when the topic turned toward sex education in the schools.

The Shasta County School Superintendent proudly said that all freshman were required to take Personal Growth. My same-aged friend & I had whispered to each other not 10 seconds before he brought it up what a joke Personal Growth had been in 9th grade.

And it really doesn't have to be a joke. If they could just separate the boys & the girls into different classrooms so it could be taken more seriously. 14 & 15 year old kids are going to behave immaturely in a coed environment in response to sexual material.

And this is what I said at the forum. I think when I one-on-one explained my position & why I popped out with "but we were just discussing that 9th grade Personal Growth was a joke" my comment was better understood.

Sometimes it just bubbles over & I say what I think. It happens more & more as I'm getting older.

I believe that there are some fundamental problems in this county & a huge example was demonstrated to me today: There is such a large distance between the women that are involved in strategies for helping these potential teen moms, both in age & economics, that the problem can't really even be put into relativity for this forum.

I'm approaching my late thirties & I feel removed but still a witness in my own life to teen moms that I have close to me. I see the things they give up & the things they have irretrievably lost.

I know they love their children & would not trade them for anything but if they were to tell younger girls if they would have waited if they could do it again I believe they would.

I just don't think that topic was suggested today. It was all about the Grandma's oohhing & aahhing at the photos of the teen moms' babies put in the power point. Or the video of a success story that brought her baby to the forum that totally moved me to tears but she was only one doing well out of hundreds in this county that aren't making it.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I love the Women's Fund & I'm proud to be a part of it. And I applaud anyone & everyone that gets involved.

Getting involved in anything is so valuable.

Join the fight. What fight? Any fight.

I just feel that the age & economics of those involved should be better reflected by the population. It feels kind of like Little Orphan Annie giving right now.

I shouldn't even post this but I will because it's on my mind & I'm still riled up about it tonight.

I did meet & talk to & became facebook friends with the Clinic Manager of Women's Health Specialists. That made it a wonderful day.

And I spoke up & spoke my mind at the forum & I'm speaking it now. I'll always stand by what I say & what I believe, even if it makes me uncomfortable.

And I'll continue to be involved in the Women's Fund because I believe in the mission. And I know the founders believe in the mission, too.

I just wish more of my friends could be involved. But it's a time & money commitment that most of them can't afford. That's why the age & economic gaps are so big.

I try to be neutral about many things but I am so passionate about Teen Pregnancy. I just believe in my heart it's the fastest track to poverty that you can pave.

Have a thoughtful night.

Other People's Lives...

I've learned many things from my Mom. Here are a few examples:

Never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut ~ Something I so have not mastered.

One of the most difficult things in life is to see the traits you most dislike in yourself emerge in your children ~ The way I hold a grudge, just like my Mother. I'm even worse.

People can tolerate just about anything in someone else, except success ~ That's my blog all about it tonight.

This topic comes up often between my Mom & me. It's funny. I'm really open about my life. Obviously as you can read here whenever you want. And my Mom is one of the most private & quiet people you'll ever meet.

I struggle. I have negative feelings all the time. I have a weight problem that I am always dealing with that really creates a lot of nasty inner dialogue between me, myself & I.

But I have a very happy marriage. I have a wonderful son & an amazing family. We are very fortunate to have successful careers & a beautiful home & can really do whatever we want at this point. But we can't do nothing. We're not there yet. So as much as the hubby would love to retire, I won't let him.

I always joke that if I didn't have a weight problem I'd really be intolerable ;)

This blogspot came from my conversation the other night with my Mom about the way I, & lots of other otherwise seemingly nice, normal people, always look at the Redding Mugshots.

My Mom says we delight in other people's misery. I don't think it's that. I think it's curiosity.

And to me, it's a reminder to me to not drink & drive because I'll be up there.

A friend of mine told me a few nights ago that the owner of CR Gibbs told him that since Redding Mugshots has become so popular that his alcohol revenue is way down. That all the bars & restaurants in town are saying the same thing.

My Mom got a kick out of that. Not the going to jail or danger or the fines but the public humiliation is what will slow down drinking & driving. So be it, she said.

Not only do I look at the Mugshots but I read the foreclosures in the newspaper. And when the delinquent property tax listings are published I scour those.

I don't know why. I don't wish bad things for my friends or acquaintances. I'm just curious.

A lot of it is seeing that things aren't always as they appear. People that act like they have lots of money may have properties in foreclosure or be way behind on taxes. And I don't care who you are or how much money you have you are gonna look tore up & bewildered in a mugshot.

So do I like to see people messing up? No. Do I like to see people doing way better than me? No way. But I would rather see them doing better than me than messing up. But sometimes it's a pretty close call ;)

At least I'm honest. And curious.

This whole idea is ponging around in my head. I'm gonna write more on it later but I have to think about it more. Share your thoughts, too, please.

Have a great night!

I Love the Fall...

I love the Fall. It's my favorite season. So many wonderful happenings!

It's Halloween. It's my birthday. It's my son's birthday and then Thanksgiving ~ same day this year, actually.

It's the best weather.

It's the colors. I love Orange.

And then fall leads to winter & Christmas. I love the Holiday Season. I'm really looking forward to it this year.

I just put up my Halloween decorations. And I did the same dumb thing I do each year. I am never happy with my door decoration so I find somewhere else to hang the old one & go excitedly buy a new one. I get it home & then I remember why the last one didn't work & why this one doesn't either: It covers the peep hole.

Awesome. I did it again this morning. Every single year. Whatever, it looks totally cute hanging from my wall mirror with hooks in the hallway.

But now what to do with the front door? Back to the store to buy the orange & black wreath I had planned to buy but instead bought the beautiful witch hat with Happy Halloween underneath.

This is why my hubby hates me. Because I was debating over a front porch pumpkin display that is so adorable but didn't buy & this afternoon I'm gonna get it as well as the wreath.

I don't really have a shopping problem. I just get what I want with no regard to how much it pisses him off. It's actually a game we play. I buy it. He likes it until the bill comes & then he yells at me & I put my hands up in the air & shrug.

Just like the installing of the Christmas Lights. He likes the way they look, he's not gonna do it & I am going to pay to have it done. He freaks out each & every year at how much it costs.

I work. I contribute financially as well as manage most of the child raising responsibilities. Well, me along with my parents ;)

We manage to save a great deal of my income so I'm gonna buy what I want to buy & do what I want to do. Within reason. If I wasn't reasonable then it would be a problem. He's a serious saver & if my bad habits got in the way of his saving it wouldn't be a game any longer. But so far so good.

Don't we all play our games? And things carry on as they should.

Have a wonderful day!

My Hopes & My Dreams...

My parents always wanted the best for me & my brother. They always told us that they would measure their own success by how successful we were & that they wanted us to achieve so much more than they ever did. They have set the bar pretty high but we're striving for it.

I think that is an amazing way to raise your children. That's how I'm trying to raise my son.

My parents also kept us aware that their standard of living was not our standard of living. So many kids move out & try to have the same lifestyle that their parents' have without recognizing that it took their parents decades to get there.

My parents always told us, sarcastically of course, "We're very rich, you're very poor. We have lots of money, you have none." It sounds horrible in writing but it was such a good value to instill in us. That the things we enjoyed in their house were things we would have to earn & be responsible for on our own.

My son is always going through all the things he could be when he grows up. He mentions dirt bike rider, paleontologist, garbage truck driver, archaeologist. We always tell him that he can be whatever he wants as soon as he finishes college. And that is the truth.

I hope he takes advantage of the opportunities that he will have. He'll have even more than I did. And I didn't take advantage of mine at all. I didn't squander them, certainly, but I didn't appreciate them.

My parents would have paid for me to go anywhere to school & I had the grades to have lots of options, but I went to a party school & I partied. I had lots of fun but it took me several extra years to finish college.

I played on the golf team & was too busy partying to take it seriously.

I hope my son is smarter than I was. From what I can see, he already is.

Some parents seem to want their children to not be as successful as they are. Instead of feeling proud they feel threatened.

I think it's because if a child is more successful than the parent then they won't feel needed any longer. I see that with my Mother-In-Law sometimes. Her favorites are the ones that need her the most. And I see it in her oldest daughter with her children. She does not want them to be more successful than her & her husband.

I will measure my success by the success of my child. He doesn't have to be wealthy but he does have to be happy, well adjusted & satisfied for me to feel like I did my job.

I thank my parents all the time for the values they gave me. And for the pride they show in their children's success.

Have a wonderful day!

I Am Embarrassed to Admit This...

But, it is shockingly easy to become an internet stalker!

I didn't even mean to do what I did. It just happened. Seriously. I am not usually a stalker per say. But sometimes one thing leads to another & I pursue.

So last week I went to San Francisco for work. No big deal. I go often.

But this time of year in the City reminds me of an ex-boyfriend. Super nice guy. Way, way too nice for me. I chewed him up & spit him out, unfortunately. He deserved a much nicer person than me. Hopefully he found her. It seems like it but I digress.

I have to prelude this whole thing with the simple fact that I broke up with him & he actually kind of stalked me for a little while. Lots of hang up phone calls, drove by my house in Redding from San Francisco, showed up at Shasta College from San Francisco looking for me.

But we ended as friends. He met my then boyfriend now hubby & even attended our wedding. He's a successful attorney in the Bay Area & I spoke to him from time to time even after I was married. We drifted apart. It was fine. I have no feelings of what might have been with this fellow. None. So how this happened is intriguing to me.

Anyway, I looked him up on Facebook the night before I was set to leave for my business trip & my hubby was out of town. It started casual. As I said, October in San Francisco reminds me of him.

He wasn't on Facebook.

So I Googled him. He was listed on all sorts of legal pages ~ even saw a photo but it looked quite old. One of the search results listed his name with a female name, same last name, contributors for a charitable organization to which it seemed he would be involved. And it kind of rang a bell that she had the same name as the girl he was living with the last time we spoke, 7 or 8 years ago.

So I looked her up on Facebook. Hundreds of them.

On the second or third page of the Facebook search results there was this smiling face of this woman that I just knew was her. For no reason. I just knew. Or at least I thought I knew so I had to find out. But all her shit was blocked. Smart girl.

Aha, but she had her business website listed. She did event organizing, wedding planning, stuff like that. So seriously the opposite of me. It had to be her.

So I was going through the website, looking at all the events she had done & her last option was for Holiday Greeting Cards.

And there, in the very last section of her website after what had been an hour long hunt, was a tiny example of her work: Her very own Holiday Card. With her lovely family on it. It was him.

I felt so gross after this whole affair albeit a little vindicated that my instincts were spot on when I saw her.

I had to delete my entire search history for that day & hope my hubby wouldn't notice. He would have been slightly bugged & given me a bad time but if it had been the other way around & he was searching for an old girlfriend I would have fucking flipped out.

It's so funny how things can get away from me.

I am really quite ashamed of this ordeal but pretty pleased that I have such skill. Scary!

Wonder who's stalking me? Or who's stalking you? Or who are you stalking?

Have a wonderful night!

Some Decisions are Easy...

I wasn't sure about this trip to Kansas for two reasons: My work & my kid.

I am so, so, so, so , so glad I came. I feel so amazing being here. I am waiting on my Grandma hand & foot but it is the most rewarding thing I've ever done. I made her beef stew today & we watched Andy Griffith & lots of Game Shows.

And my boss doesn't even realize that I'm out of the office. If it comes up I will tell him but I am responding to all of my messages very quickly so I'm not even missing a beat.

Tloday she told me that I mad her day by coming. I told her that I hope I made her week. I'm also able to give all my amazing aunts, uncle & cousins a schedule reliever because they've done shifts over here around the clock.

My Grandma really needs me. Especially the second I sit down she totally needs something. She needs a Kleenex. Or her chapstick. Or a refill on her water. Or her cell phone plugged in. My Aunt was over today & she said, very accurately, that "She'll keep you hopping."

Here are a couple of things about my Grandma. One is like me the other is so not:

My Grandma is a person that rarely sits still. She's always staightening something up or picking something up or putting something away or moving or arranging. Whatever. Even if she's watching tv she's working on a crossword. This new situation is very different for her. She has to sit still but she orders me to do everything she would do if she could. I love it.

I love it because it's so not me. I can just veg out completely. Not do anything. Even when it looks like I'm watching tv I'm often not. I am just vegging out. I'm actually completely lost in my thoughts which is different than just playing white noise in your head, but I can sit mostly still & do nothing. My foot is usually moving though so I'm not completely still.

What is me is the talking to myself. My Grandma totally talks to herself. She jabbers away like she's having a conversation. Today I was in the living room reading on the couch & I heard her quietly begin her chat. She got louder & louder just babbling about everything. Then she said to herself, "Well, I need it but I just can't reach it, it's too far away." That was the first time what she was saying concerned me so I asked her "What do you need, Grandma?"

It was her chapstick & she couldn't reach it. So I got up & got it. We made no mention of my eavesdropping on her conversation.

I used to tease her about it when I was younger. But looking back some of my favorite memories are listening to her chat in the next room while she was making the bed, cooking or doing the laundry.

It's the same thing I do now. I jabber away in my head but sometimes it spills over & I say things out loud. My hubby asks "What did you say?" & I tell him I was just talking to myself. He understands. He knows it is just like my Grandma. And the older I get the more I do it.

I'm a lot like my Grandma. And I love, love, love the fucking turtles.

I miss my boys but I am so glad I'm here.

Have a wonderful night!

Happy Tuesday...

So, the weekend was fun. Totally fun. Had a great time at the Beer & Wine Festival, had fun with my hubby, had a great visit with great friends & enjoyed the cool & rainy Sunday.

I have work stuff scheduled next week. Yeh! It's not really picking up but at least it's happening. Whew.

It's such an odd thing that I have a bi-polar job when I tend to almost be a type of bi-polar person. My job is up, it's down & back & forth. Matches my moods I suppose. My boss is kind of the same way so we're likely in the correct careers.

Yesterday I went shopping & got two new purses, a wallet & a candle. I love how the discount stores have such a random array of things. Like TJ Maxx has everything I could need ~ I could have come out with shoes, clothes, Le Creuset & Halloween Decorations. I love it! I didn't get a cart, however, so as soon as my hands & arms were full I checked out. Me happy. Until the credit card bill comes & then me guilty. Oh well, I haven't done any other shopping recently so I shouldn't be in too much trouble.

I have just been in a purse mood. Ever since I went to Reno & found a gorgeous salmon pink purse that I should have bought at Dillard's. It was on sale & I'm kinda glad now that I didn't get it because yesterday I got two quality bags for just a wee bit over the sale price of the Reno one.

My house was cleaned on Friday so that really makes me happy. I love it when it's clean! I wish I was better at keeping it that way.

And tomorrow I leave for Wichita to spend a week with my Grandma. I'll likely blog from there. I'm so truly looking forward to this time with her but I am seriously freaking out about leaving my boys for so long.

I have been away from the kid for 8 days but I was on vacation with my hubby so I wasn't without either of them. It's going to be so odd. And I'm going to miss my dog & kitty, too. But I wouldn't trade this opportunity for anything & I'm just so thrilled I'm able to do it.

Have a wonderful day & I'll write soon.

Probably tonight while I'm having cocktails & procrastinating packing, actually!

Looking Forward to Forward...

A few things can really change my attitude. Big, small, whatever ~ sometimes it just takes a little bit of motion to get me moving.

My house is getting cleaned tomorrow. I'm ok at cleaning it but it's so hard for me to keep it picked up & clean that it can really get away from me. It's gotten away from me lately.

It's so funny because it seems like the more free time I have, the less I get accomplished. If I'm on a limited amount of time schedule then I jam things in. But if I have lots of time I am just a total bum. Very interesting.

Tomorrow is house cleaning day. So today is my pick-up the house day. It will feel good to have the guest bed cleaned off. It's my clean clothes staging area.

My brother & niece are in town so my folks will have my son stay the night both Friday & Saturday nights. It's gives the hubby & I a lot of quality time together & he loves it. My parents treat the kids like the world revolves around them because over there, it does.

And then the Redding Beer & Wine Festival is this weekend. I love that. My brother is going with us & we're meeting friends there. Then they will probably all come over here for cocktails after. I love this time of year. It's so perfect to sit on our back patio & drink & talk & laugh.

But the pseudo-party = need a clean house. That's how I negotiated it with the hubby.

Even some work stuff is going on. Just wrapping up old things but at least the phone is ringing. The eery silence has been freaking me out.

And then next week I'm going to Kansas to spend a week with my Grandma. I am really looking forward to that.

So, I hope you all are having a fantastic day. Mine is productive. At least I intend it to be.

But...wonder what's on the Travel Channel?! Is that Twilight on HBO?

Seasons Changing Still...

I don't mean to be a downer these days but it seems it's not uncommon this time of year so I'll just go with it.

I just read an interesting article on Yahoo about the fact that Fall can bring unease because it's the end of carefree summer & back to a more rigorous routine.

Fall is actually my favorite season so I don't think it's to do with the time of year for me but the change that's happening ~ that's always happening.

My friend wrote something very poignant on Facebook the other day. It almost brought me to tears because I understood it so well:

"Woke up and asked the air around his head, "when is normal?" Then, I realized that I was in the new normal...and I wept for a moment for old normals passing."

His life change was significant ~ his father had just passed away. I think of him often & hope he eventually finds peace with his new normal.

My changes are minor but still significant to me.

My son's in kindergarten. My job is incredibly slow. My hormones are just out of whack & I'm not feeling right. My Grandmother is in tenuous health for the first time in my life.

My childbearing choices are causing me grief. And I have never, ever questioned my decisions in the past so this is very uncharted territory for me to experience.

My only child decision is one I will ultimately be fine with. We are able to give our son the best of everything & he gets to experience more than most children do. He also has my niece, 18 months younger than he is, & they are almost as close as siblings & spend a great deal of time together. And he gets such valuable time with my parents that he might not get if he had a sibling.

It's me being selfish & wanting another child. The hubby & the kid do not. And without them on board it would make it even more challenging. I'd rather be pissed at my hubby for not wanting more than have him quietly resent me for having another. I'm used to being pissed at him a lot of the time anyway. He's used to it to ~ no big deal.

I'm trying not to drink very much these days, which is also quite new to me. And no meds. wtf?

I am having such an uneasy grasp on my moods & general uneasiness that adding very much of any kind of substances is making the slippery slope even slipperier (let's see what spell check has to say about that :)

All in all my life is great so I really don't know why I can't snap out of this. I need to count my blessings & try to get some perspective:

My child is healthy & happy & remarkably well adjusted in spite of having me as his mother.

My marriage is peaceful & happy although the hubby is getting annoyed with my case of the blahs. He's out of town all this week so we are missing each other right now & that will help with the weekend. We have a fun Saturday planned without the kiddo & then will be golfing on Sunday. Quality time is so good for us.

My Grandmother is doing better & expected to leave the rehab hospital in the next week or so & then I'll be staying with her for 6 days as soon as she gets out. I am really looking forward to that quality time with her & helping her in any way I can. I also appreciate that today she turns 87 years old & that she has been a remarkable Grandma to me my entire life.

My parents are healthy & happy & I am fortunate enough to be blessed with many very wonderful friends.

My bills are paid & I'm employed.

I guess I'm doing ok. I need to keep remembering that.

Have a great day!

Decisions, Decisions...

Some choices we make we wonder about forever. Like whether or not to have more children or not to have more children, as my example. And I know if I had decided to have more I would not have ever regretted it but since I chose just one, I will be haunted about it forever.

Some people likely feel the same way about lost loves. The "what might have been" aspect. I never feel that way about that choice. I could never have found a partner more suited to me.

But the children part I always wonder about. I always will.

Boy World...

I find myself in Boy World quite a bit. It's funny because that just seems to be where I tend to wander.

My household is all boys. My kid, my dog, my cat & my hubby.

My job is mostly with boys. I'm usually the only girl in the room or on the job site. At least 90% of the time.

And then at the poker table, it's very common for me to be the only girl. At least 90% of the time.

I like the insight into boy world. I find that boys are mean. But at least they're mean to the face. They're quick to tell each other how fat they're getting or anything mean that pops into their minds. We girls say these things but we almost always do it behind each others' backs.

Playing poker on Friday night I saw a couple of really funny things. The party host & birthday boy was asked several times from several different people if he was going to watch football on Sunday. Each time he replied that he didn't know. Although there were a lot of funny follow-up questions, the best was as follows:

"Oh, do have a lot of crocheting to catch up on?"

And then the same fellow, one of the funniest guys I have EVER met, said the funniest thing at the table.

Birthday boy caught his card on the river & caused funny guy to lose a big pot. When the card came funny guy said, deadpan, "Nice shot, fluffy."

I'm using that line at the table.

There were actually three girls out of nine players & the final two of us were both girls heads-up. I lost going all in with a suited queen king & she had pocket aces. She'd had pocket kings the hand before. wtf? It was a really fun game & I loved how I played.

Anyway, the two other girls were talking about some jewelry party that was happening the following week. The hostess is one of my best friends & the other girl asked if I was coming. I said I had told her to please stop inviting me to that crap because I wouldn't ever come & it looked like she had. Thank goodness.

It was just like the time that this very best friend of mine was sewing curtains & her sewing machine broke & she called me to ask if I had a sewing machine she could borrow.

My reply was, "You're fucking kidding me, right?"

Now I love my friends. Especially the girly, crafty ones because they are so different from me & I truly appreciate those differences. But I'll always be the girl playing golf with the boys & playing poker with the boys while the wives are at the spa.

I love boy world.

But my hubby still has to kill the bugs.

Have a fabulous day!

Seasons Change...

It's fall. At least it feels like fall. At night anyway.

Shit's been going down. And it makes me feel my mortality. My vitality. My strengths & my fears.

My grandmother fell down & broke her hip. Or she broke her hip & fell down as our surgeon friend told us was more likely. He said most elderly people actually react & snap their hip & then fall down. They don't actually fall down & then snap their hip. Interesting bit of trivia, I suppose.

My Grandmother & I are close. Really close. I talk to her several times a week if not more. If something pops into my mind I call her & she's there & we talk. We chat all the time. And when I visit her we are even closer in person.

She's the only Grandma I've ever had. My Mom's Mom died when she was 6. And my Great Grandmother who raised my Mom died when I was 4. I remember her though. She used to watch General Hospital & the villain's name on that "story", as she called it, was named Lisa. She was so mad my Mom named me Lisa that she called me Litha. She gave me a beautiful locket that I treasure to this day. And my Mom says she still feels her presence. Especially if she's doing something of which my Great Grandmother would have not approved.

It's been odd this last week, not having my Grandma to call. I called her at the hospital but it wasn't the same. She wasn't the same. Her voice was flat. I've been near tears all week. Shed them a few times.

I'm going back as soon as she gets out of the rehab hospital in a week or two to spend time with her. Today she was worried about how she would feed me while she was laid up. It's my turn to proudly feed her. To help her. To treasure her. To love her.

And I do. I always have & always will. She's actually one of my very best friends. And here's just one example of why we're so close ~ so alike:

When I was in my late teens or early twenties, she told me to go through her jewelry box to see if there was anything I liked. I squealed with delight as I found a small gold turtle pin. I said "it's two turtles..." big pause as I examined them. "And they're making love."

My Grandma laughed & said "I call those my 'Fucking Turtles'."

The next year, for my birthday she gave me those turtles & a matching set of earrings. I love all four of them!

I look forward to another decade or so of my Grandma's companionship. Of her counsel & her ear. I hope she's here at least that long. But I know she'll always be in my heart & on my mind. And I'll always feel her presence. In fact I've told her she's always welcome to stop by, anytime she'd like. Now or in the future ~ wherever she may be.

Have a great night & cherish your loved ones ~ Lisa

Mugshots As Teaching Tools...

I recently posted a link to reddingblog.com/mugshots as my Facebook status & it's gotten a lot of attention. One of my friends mentioned that she would like to find a way to use it as discipline for her children & I had to comment, but not on Facebook.

I did use the mugshots as a form of "discipline" for the kiddo one time. He was mad at me about something I was making him do & he angrily told me "I want a new Mommy."

It seriously hurt my feelings but after I thought about it for a while I brought him into my office, sat him down & showed him the Mommies that were available because they lost their kids.

He didn't find any of them appealing so he'll likely never say that to me again. It's sort of a joke now when I ask him if he wants a new Mommy he says no way.

My Mom says we all find our own way to parent. She was not a fan of my tactic but I thought it was amusing & effective.

Have a great day!

Why So Quiet?

I think the reason I'm more quiet now is because my son is so loud all the time & I am seriously allergic to little boy noise.

(But I do seriously yell my head off at soccer games!)

All the banging & the booming & the running trains & the crashes. Now when my hubby & I have a date night I am quiet in the car. We totally chat at dinner ~ we still have great conversations ~ but I'm quiet in the car.

A lot of the time I don't even like the radio on. When I drive alone I like it on, I love to sing loudly to fun music. But when it's just us a lot of the time I like it quiet.

I think we used to have a lot more silence in our lives than we realized. And now those opportunities are much less frequent so I appreciate the few that we have.

We talk on the phone 10 times a day & we're chattery then. I'm just not the chatterer that I used to be. Although my friends would tell you I am, my hubby would not.

He's even more sensitive to the boy's loud noises than I am so I would think he would like our quiet rides. But he worries there's something wrong with me.

I think when I drive I have to pay attention to the road & when he drives I can totally zone out & just think or not think. He always laughs at me because it will appear that I'm watching TV next to him but when he asks me about something that was just on I frequently have to tell him that I didn't see it because I wasn't paying attention. I just zone out in the direction of the television.

Things always change. That's one thing I can always count on. I'll probably change a thousand times more before we're done with our 50+ year relationship. "God willing & the creeks don't rise" as my Grandfather always said.

My hubby is just a "fixer". If he thinks something is wrong he wants to identify the problem & fix it. I don't think there is a problem so there's nothing to fix. So that creates a problem for him. Vicious circle.

Have a happy Sunday ~ I know I will!

The Sound of Silence...

Hello Darkness My Old Friend, I'd Like to Talk With You Again...

I seriously used to be a chatter box.

My hubby was silent.

It worked for us & now it doesn't.

Somehow, I caught his silence & we just don't chat as much anymore. Or it's a total effort on my part if we do because he has always been quiet.

He misses my chattering. I don't. Although I do miss our conversations that I guess I initiated.

How do you get past the sound of silence? Tonight he said that he was afraid in a few years our morning nods to each other would imply our entire day ~ plans with the kid, after school arrangements & dinner.

Interesting...

How does a marriage survive the silence? I'll keep you posted because ours absolutely will.

Have a great night!

Seems Like I'm Running Bad...

Lately I just have not had it together like I usually do.

I'll use a poker reference & say that I'm just kinda running bad right now.

And that's not just to say I'm running bad in poker, which I am, but I'm also running bad in my life.

My marriage is still happy & my family is still healthy so my complaints are not life shattering. But they're still quite real.

My job slows down this time of year. It's pretty scary. I still have money coming in from past sales but I'm making very few new sales to pad the front. In a few months I won't be making hardly any money. It happens each year but it still always freaks me out.

I have plumped out a little bit recently & my complexion has gone to shit. I think I can pinpoint both of those things to a birth control pill switch, which I've since quit & improvements can already be seen, but still it's so frigging annoying.

And I'm just not quite myself. I'm trying to be cheerful & outgoing but I'm just not feeling it. I'm just kinda crabby. Even more than the usual few days a month.

But I know it all will improve. It always does. I so appreciate this outlet, even if nobody reads it, I feel better just launching it into the internet atmosphere. And if you do read it, thanks for listening. And if you're running bad I hope it gets better for you, too.

Have a great night!

Hair All About It...

I like bald guys, obviously if you know my hubby, but Tim McGraw is only hot in a cowboy hat.

But I think I'd feel the same way if he had a full, natural, gorgeous head of hair. It's the hat. It must be the hat.

And I don't like long hair on guys in real life but I love it on certain singers:

Kid Rock, Travis Tritt, Ozzy, the list goes on & on...

Is that odd?

Have a great night!

Sometimes Being the Mommy is Hard

This last few weeks it's been hard to be the Mommy. It's always challenging & rewarding & wonderful but lately it's been hard.

Our kitty died & it was a shock & he was quite young. I was just as upset as my son was but I had to give him a lot of comfort. I wanted to bawl with him & I don't understand why it happened & I don't think it's fair but I had to explain all these life lessons to my son as the Mom & not as the petulant 14 year old I still feel like sometimes. Lots of tears in my house. Even the hubby shed a few.

Rest in peace sweet Oscar. This will always be your territory.

And tomorrow we start kindergarten.

I'm worried about it & I realize that it's the beginning of school for a very, very long time & I have a lot of anxieties. Well so does my son. I find myself giving him a lot of comfort when my heart's not really in it because I am troubled by the same things he is. I'm faking excitement & really I'm worried & I'm sad & I'm having to pretend what a big boy he is & how great that is when I really want to just squish him down & keep him home with me for a few more years.

Time flies. And the moments we're given are gifts. The joy we have with each other is truly an amazing gift & I'm trying to appreciate them more & more.

I'll be blogging more now. I've missed it. I haven't gotten to be my snarky self with you & I miss that, too.

Have a great day!

What Are We Preparing Our Kids For?

I just had an interesting conversation with some Moms at swim practice & it made me start wondering about a few things.

With all of the specialized school selections & curriculum choices, are we preparing our kids for the real world? If you can choose a program/school that's totally tailored to your kids' needs then what do they do when they get out of school & have to get a job in a place where their needs are overshadowed by the needs of the company/boss/coworkers, etc.

I recently had a conversation with a woman I did not know that was switching her child from a public school to a private school due to what she claimed was a bullying issue that she felt was not handled by the school. I happen to know some of the teachers at the school & was surprised that they had not dealt with a child being bullied. They told me that if there had been a bullying issue that parent's child would have been the actual bully & that the child was very eccentric & would have trouble whichever school they attended. Such a different perspective than the one I got from the Mom. That's actually why I followed up because the whole story just did not make sense. I guess as Moms we want to see our child in the best light but do we do them favors when we make excuses or place blame?

My son is just getting ready to begin Kindergarten in the fall at a public school ~ albeit a small public school with very involved parents ~ so I'm just pondering the schooling issue.

My friend brought up a fantastic point today about kids that go to private schools are only exposed to other kids whose parents can afford/choose to send them to private schools & not to a huge variety of kids. That, in my opinion, makes them less prepared for the "real world."

I make my world fit me as much as I possibly can but I know that there are things I don't like about it that I have to assimilate to & deal with. I just hope my son will find the same balance I have found. I hope I'm preparing him for his future. For a successful future.

I guess my gripe is that we seem to be kind of making it too easy on kids.

When I was growing up you had to make the team. And if you weren't that great you had to sit on the bench. Not everyone got to play unless you had a huge lead & could afford to let the second string players take a turn.

I don't think it's that way anymore. If I was second string my parents wouldn't have complained to the coach that it wasn't fair that I wasn't getting to play. They would have told me to work harder, to practice, to get better so that I could play more.

I think today the coaches let everyone play. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I think I believe in work harder, practice, get better. But I'm also super protective & am not sure if I could keep the proper perspective on my son's abilities to not ask the coach why he's not playing more if it were to happen. Hopefully the coach could give me feedback on what to work on & we'd make those improvements if we could. I hope I keep this perspective as we move forward.

Rambling, I know, but that's how my mind goes.

Have a great day!

My Hubby is Funny as Hell...

At least I think so...

Two things I can't post on Facebook cuz I don't want to offend people. On here, do I care? Yes, but not so much :)

Anyway, he is funny. Not everyone knows how funny he is which makes him even funnier when he busts out with the humor because he comes across as serious & some would say even scary or intimidating. He's not. He's my teddy bear.

On TMZ they have the "Who'd you rather..." posts. They put pictures of two people & it's always some amusing comparison. Either by hotness or hotmessness or something.

So anyway, I'm on my i-phone, look at TMZ & start cracking up at the "who'd you rather" & showed it to him.

It was Jodie Foster or Cynthia Nixon.

Now my hubby is the typical piggy & usual likes that whole scene in theory, but TMZ nailed it with two cute lesbians that he would find unappealing, which is why I'm sure they picked them.

The hubby thought about it for a few minutes & then finally said "Miranda because at least she's a red head. You know I like red heads."

And the second funny thing he said, which he told me to put as my status on FB but I didn't think it appropriate was when we were discussing one of our friends that live out of town & that perhaps there's a tendency to wander by one of them. We certainly don't know it for sure, but that's our gut.

My hubby said if I was married to her I'd probably wander too. "You gotta feed me if you want me to come home to eat."

He was very amused with himself. I slapped him pretty hard on the arm & lmao.

Have a wonderful night!

Bad Mommy...

Sometimes I just lose it. Not that I spank the kid or anything, but sometimes I snap & yell. I hate that about myself.

It's having a little boy that is so, so loud. He bangs & pounds & booms everything! I have told my 5 1/2 year old to shut up twice this afternoon. Once was inexcusable but the other time was pretty warranted. Even though I did yelled at him to shut up when I am on the phone for work right after I hung up, I still should never say that to him. Ever. I hate it when I yell it at my barking dog. It's such an ugly phrase.

And what am I teaching him when I react that way? Right now he's playing quietly in his room while I'm typing away. He assumes I'm still working so he's being quiet. And I recognize the days when my patience is short(er) so I need to type away for a few more minutes.

Sometimes I feel so sorry for my son that he has me as a Mom. Sometimes I'm horrible at it. But then I think what I've always told myself ~ he has no idea how bad of a Mom I am because I'm the only one he'll ever have. So I'll just do my best & try to have more patience & really, really try not to say shut up.

It's 4pm & I've worked enough today. I'll still answer the phone if it rings but I'm going to find something fun for us to do.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go smother a little boy with hugs & kisses & tell him I'm sorry. He's very forgiving. I wish I were more so of myself.

Have a great day ~ mine is going to get better.

Suspended Seat Belt Reality

As I just picked up my preschooler & realized I had forgotten his booster seat & that he had to just ride in a seat belt ~ it's not as bad as it sounds because he's the size of an 8 year old & weighs 85 lbs. ~ I started considering a few risky moves I've made with seat belts recently.

When we rode in Taxis in Mexico, we never wore our seat belts. Even when my hubby rode in the front seat & I asked him to please put it on, he still didn't.

We wore them when we rented a car. Never would have considered not wearing them then. So why was it ok when we were riding in taxis? They drive way crazier than we did.

And it's not just in Mexico, either. When I'm in a cab in New York City or San Francisco, I don't put them on. It's like a mind block. I don't know what it is.

Am I alone or do other people do the same thing? I can't remember ever seeing someone put on a seat belt in a Taxi. Why is that?

Except the one time my son was in a Taxi with us in San Francisco I did put the lap belt on him in the back seat. I still didn't put mine on so what the hell was I thinking, I don't know.

I'm just wondering aloud here & curious if there are others out there that do the same.

Have a great day!

It's Hard Out There for a Her

I have two thoughts to share:

I was just flipping the channels & on TLC there was the Hoarding show. A guy was a Hoarder & he was showing it to his girlfriend for the first time. She was appropriately shocked & although I didn't see the end of the show, I bet she stuck it out. Cuz as a man, you could be a head in a fishbowl & a woman will love & devote herself to you. Shit, women may even fight over you.

And secondly, women as mothers are not appreciated. If you're a single Mom, people assume it's somehow your fault. If you're a single father, you have Grandmas & Aunts to help you & the Mother is blamed for being horrible & abandoning her child. Men are given so much credit for what they're doing & a whole lot of help.

The double standard is very intriguing to me on both issues.

Just feeling a sexist sting this evening - not from my hubby of course but just from a few generalizations I've encountered the past few days.

Have a great night!

Tales of Travel

Mexico was fun. Had a fantastic time with my hubby the whole time & with our friends most of the time. Too many couples can make it difficult to travel together sometimes. But it was still a good time & I'm glad we did it.

I'm kind of starting to think I'm not a Mexico person. Because I don't care how much money you have or how nice your resort is: as a woman you are going to have to go to a filthy, stinking bathroom with either a urinal or a toilet with no seat at some point, or at many points, when you're downtown or away from your resort.

And Cabo San Lucas downtown is fun but as you're exploring the Marina it's kind of like a carnival with the barkers trying to sell you stuff.

Same way when you lay on the beach. Although there the vendors aren't aggressive so much as they are persistent. And as soon as one leaves you another comes up. There's never a chance to relax. My friend & I got really good at totally carrying on our conversation & not even really pausing to politely insert our "No Thank Yous" every 1-2 minutes.

Hey, I'm all for working hard though & the folks out there on the beach toting their goods on their backs & hiking in the sand all day totally have my respect. When it was time to buy jewelry & dresses on the last day that's where my friend bought instead of downtown which was great.

The hubby & I are really into tipping the servers whenever we can. The front bar cocktail waitress, who was hilarious & naughty ~ Loved Her! ~ told my hubby that she only made $5 a day before tips. It made it simple for us to leave her another $5 after she brought us many rounds of drinks. I hated seeing people not tip well at the all inclusive. But I understand the mindset that it is "all-inclusive" & they don't think about tips.

I think the hubby & I are solo travelers & we are not really the all inclusive resort type of people. It's a waste of our money because if we want to drink there, we'll pay for the drinks or stock them in our room but most of the time we want to be out exploring the towns & the local bars & restaurants instead of eating & drinking at the same place again & again.

I'm not knocking it at all because it is a good bargain if you're going to drink a lot at the hotel, which we did do, but we also spent a lot out on the town. For us, a hotel with a good breakfast included & a good beach bar is the best bet. We said no to the time share people & I told the hubby, oh no, now they're gonna spit in our food. It still tasted ok even if they did & I just tried not to think about the black mark by our name in the computer for the last 2 days of our trip.

I was a chubby chubby in my tankini top & board shorts & my two friends looked totally hot in their bikinis but...I had a great time & I still really feel pretty good about me. I'm funny that way. I always feel really confident, especially with a tan. But honestly, I would like to look good in a bikini.

I'm working on it but I'm not holding my breath. I just really want to be healthy & that's what I'm really working on. I think the excess red wine is my main downfall but I've even been cutting back on that. I just drink a bottle every other night instead of every night :)

There were two really funny things that happened that if I think too hard about I can make myself start crying from laughing so hard but I'm not sure if they'll translate to funny here: I'll try, though.

The first day we were laying on the beach at the very front of the rows of beach chairs. There were four of us. My friend & I were in the middle with her man on her left & my man on my right. We had left the two chairs next to the guys with shoes or towels on them to save them in case our other friends joined us. I guess the towel got pulled off the outside chair because this little tiny, ancient German woman walked up & grabbed the outside chair & started to drag it away. I said "Oh, I'm sorry, that chair's saved."

She put her hands on her hips & looked at me & stomped over to the chair down from my hubby & grabbed it & started to drag it down the beach. Then she stopped, turned around & yelled at all of us "If jou vant to save it ju have to put sumsing on eet!"

Now I don't take shit from anyone, ever, & for me not to say something back to her was very unlike me. But she was in her seventies at least & she was the meanest little lady I'd ever seen. My mouth fell open & my friend & I just sat there in stunned silence for like 30 seconds & then started laughing until we were crying. We kept saying that to each other all throughout the trip. I texted it to her this weekend. I will never forget that little lady.

Thank you, Fraulein, for a fantastic memory.

Then we were at Cabo Wabo, & I like to shop a little bit, but not a whole lot. I look around, make my selections, purchase & get the hell out. It's not a hobby for me. So the couple we were with were picking out shirts & stuff at the Cabo Wabo store & I had already bought my two shirts & hat & the hubby & I were waiting outside for 15 minutes when finally I went into the store & said quite loudly & sharply "Angalais!" It was supposed to mean "hurry up" which my friends understood it as from our Arriba, Arriba, Angalais, Angalais" cartoon knowledge.

I'm not sure what it means, or if it even means anything, but it was hilarious. The only other shoppers had been drinking with us at the bar & they died laughing, too. The ladies working there looked at me like I was insane but it was soooo funny.

Anyway, as Betty White said, looking at vacation photos used to be a punishment so perhaps my rambling about my vacation is punishing you. Thought I'd share.

Have a wonderful day!